April 30, 2013 § 2 Comments
A lot has happened since I graduated from college. Much has happened since I was a shy twenty-two, searching for the answer to Who Am I? and running into nothing. When I searched, I found a new spark within myself, a love of something greater than me. I found and remembered that I love/d God. Oh yes, that’s it. Running inescapably into the arms of something greater than myself. It felt like the mother/father that I had never felt. An unconditional, total acceptance.
This feeling left me with something greater than being alone. Alone is what I felt most of my life. Alone in my feelings. Alone with my pain, anger, sorrow, sadness. Alone with my own duality. The person who I felt truly, deeply within me. And the person that I portrayed on the outside. I learned from the young age of three to keep these two separate, lest they–anyone beyond me–discover who I am and tell me otherwise.
I remember trying to bring out that true self, what I now call my Open Self, and know so well as my Soul. My soul is the immutable me. The me that is was and always will be eternal. It is my very essence. The outer reflection, my mind, body, and spirit are reflections of my inner self. On a micro scale, my soul is the true inner self, while the outer is my thoughts, my movement, and how I reflect energy. I say, “How I reflect energy” because I am not energy, I am consciousness. Consciousness is the soul.
When life is flowing from a place that is disconnected from the soul, it is chaotic. It is as if one is completely asleep.
When you are asleep, I cannot see or hear you. It’s as if I am talking to a pile of Old Energy and there is no truth in your eyes. This is not a judgment, I really feel as if I am seeing and hearing reactions to conditioned, habitual living and not life in this very moment.
When you are asleep, you are reacting to life the way in which you believe you “should” or “should not” react, not from an outpouring of the soul.
I know this because I’ve done it. I’ve done it because I didn’t know any better. It was five years ago when I said I don’t want to asleep any more. I want to wake up. I want to wake up and be alive. It was five years ago that I realized that I was truly, deeply sleeping. That the light that I had within me was truly darkness. And for me that meant that I was living in my shadow self, the created self, and not from my soul. Not from my light. And that scared me.
It was at that point that I wrestled. I wrestled with who I was, where I was going, what I was doing. I wrestled with everyone around me, everything around me. I wrestled with my stupid decisions. With the way that the world was doing things. I wrestled in my marriage. I wrestled when I had kids.
I could not for the life of me see what was before me. I just felt like total, utter darkness.
I denounced my God. I no longer had any desire to be spiritual or religious. I no longer wanted to be the old me. I denounced my talents, my ability to song write and sing and love.
I hated myself. I hated other people. I hated everything and everyone. I saw darkness all around me. I moved fourteen times. I lived month to month. I struggled with everything within me if anyone has ever struggled.
I couldn’t do it any more. It’s just meaninglessness. The only thing that got me to put one foot in front of the other was to just live. Some days that wasn’t enough and I must’ve threatened for death hundreds and hundreds of times.
“I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t really want to die, but I don’t want to live.”
Yes, I said this time and time again, curled up in a ball on my bed or on the floor. In front of my husband mostly, sometimes in front of my kids.
Honestly, it was a few times getting high and the very last bit of my desire for truth that has brought me to this place.
I don’t really know exactly where this place is, but I do know that I am living from my soul. I am living from the deepest place of myself, light and darkness and all.
I get crazy revelations. Sometimes I see how the world is just a vast endlessness, with galaxies within me and outside of me and all around me and I feel infinitesimally small. This might have bother me immensely, to realize both the grandness of myself and the minuscule. Now it does not. Now I just embrace it.
This single thread throughout my life is this deep knowing and understanding of living from a soul level. I’ve read a lot of other people and had a lot of revelation and it’s most commonly called New Energy.
But it’s not new.
It’s old. It’s ancient. It’s the first Energy that created what we call Earth and everything around it (not that it’s the center, or anything). It’s what came out from God.
The only way I can move on and chalk up my life and more specifically, the last five years, is to acknowledge it as part of a process into a Divine energy. In an online course that I’m taking with Andrew Harvey, he calls it–as do other mystics–the dark night of the soul. It’s the second step of the four-part process. Awakening, Dark Night, Illumination, and Birthing.
The reason I can tell you all of this from my deep soul place is because I’m in the birthing process. I honestly can’t tell you exactly what that means, but I do know more and more of my true self is coming to the surface and I am finally leading my life from this space rather than my conditioned existence, the created self that I was living in only a few months ago.
I’m only an expert in one thing because I know beyond knowing what that soul place, what New Energy feels like. I’m beginning to accept that about myself.
I grow and change every single day. I’m constantly remembering feelings within myself that were lingering from times once past and clearing those feelings out, along with their energy.
Today my dreams brought up the feeling of being 18. Of being cheated on both by the guy who date raped me (my first sex experience) and by my dad who definitely cheated on my mom and finally announced he’d asked for a divorce (nine days after my 18th birthday). Cheated. Totally running into the feeling of being cheated on–going into the darkness rather than acting like everything is okay–so that I can live just a little more in the Now.
Don’t stop commenting. I know some of you have stopped commenting because I stopped talking about organizing your closet, or only stocking your fridge with a few days worth of food, or loving your neighbor or what not. I’m sure I got a little freaky on you and perhaps my writing voice changed a bit.
I’ve changed. I’ve changed immensely. Yet I’m still so very interested in your thoughts. Your changes.
You can count this as Week 5 of Rebel Evolve: Katarsis or whatever. But I don’t know. I don’t care about Online Courses or whatever. I just care about you and me. I care about you being the you that you want to be.
And forgive me if I write with an air of knowingness. Today is the day that I make a conscious effort to live as raw as possible in the Now. Not in what I was. Not in what I will be future. Just in the right Now.
April 28, 2013 § 2 Comments
There are 144,000 energy vibrations throughout the world that connect all of us in unity. Not people or types of people, but vibrations. For we are all made up of energy, even in our physical form. Any individual et cetera can choose to be in flow with these vibrations or not.
Have you ever felt like you wanted to love someone, yet there was a block there? As if you were open (you presented your open self), yet they didn’t receive you. This is technically a blocked energy. If you are open with another and you can tell they have a guard up, that is truth. There is an energy field that they are protecting you from. Almost like a mote around a castle with the rejection being the alligators. Chomp, chomp!
You have the choice to feel or receive this energy. You can block the negative energy from another simply by saying internally,
“I do not accept your negative energy.”
After a bit of practice, you can begin to discover your own personal way of doing so through a revelation in creative thinking. Perhaps you will prefer imagery over a mantra such as…
• A light sabor blocking there yuck
• A bubble all around you that allows love out and in, but nothing negative
• A shield like that of a knight
• Or a positive energy that cancels out there negative from the heavenly plane
“Wait,” you’re asking yourself, “So are there 144,000 positive and negative vibrations total?”
That’s a great question, friend. There are a hundred and forty-four thousand energy vibrations and depending on the balance of the individual sending them will effect what they send and receive. You see, you can interact with these vibrations in any way you choose. If you choose from a balanced, conscious state, you will be interacting positively with the energy around you. All things in love.
If you are unbalanced, that is, if you are coming from a place that is negative, closed off, separated, unwell, victimized, and so on, from the world, you will send and receive negativity in the vibrations. Either is possible. It is your choice to choose.
April 23, 2013 § Leave a Comment
When I began practicing Week 4 of this cleansing practice that I call Katarsis, I was completely unaware of the revelation I would receive. And, to be honest, a bit surprised. This week we are rebel evolving Spirit. Spirit, as I know it, is the embracing of the Divine Feminine side of myself. Also known as Mother Earth, darkness, and the like. I’m finding more and more that it is my grounding, comfort, and full acceptance of myself.
And that’s just it. Without the embracing of this side of myself, I am left with duality. I am left with loving one side of myself and hating the other. When the honest-to-God truth is, the only thing that is creating this illusion of duality is my very own perception. As I began to break down the walls that I’ve created in myself, I began to see truly see my spirit and feel it. I could palpably feel the door of my soul opening to a more synergistic freedom that I am that I am.
Here follows my disposition written while in the darkness. One can only admit that this self-referential perspective is just as loving, palpable and true as my “other” side. Hence, they can only be seen as one.
“I don’t even live the way I want to live. I don’t even choose the life I want to create. I don’t even allow myself to extend further past than my own self-talk of dreaming, of imagining. I have imprisoned myself in my very own walls that I illusory call “reality.” I have divinized my very own darkness and called it light. I have entrapped my joys and entranced my sorrows, none of which are real, so as to keep me from a true life of joy/suffering that I long for in the very deepest part of my being.
Here I am wanting community, creating it and destroying it. Here I am wanting connection, creating it and destroying it. Here I am wanting light, creating it and destroying it. I am choosing this path. Choosing this creation and destruction and for the life of me I cannot tell you why. I am deeply troubled, for I have found the pearl and my questions only go deeper still.
I thought I would realize I were awake and be comforted. Yet rather it has created complete unrest hitherto in. I’m awake! I’m awake! And I am still asking, still searching. I’m awake! I’m awake! And I have more questions still. The hole, the abyss, my darkness keeps getting deeper. I feel as though I am digging and will be until my ending days.
For it is not in this old way that I will find solutions. It is not in a practice that I will find comfort. It is not in my discovery of wholeness, my treasure within, that I will find myself completed. Alas, I am lost. And in my darkness, I am found.”
Yes, I wrote this in what many would clinically call a depression. I did not feel like lifting a finger. Yet in my darkness, I felt a oneness with myself by embracing it fully. During my dark moment I
• Stepped into my dark feelings
• Embraced my dark feelings
• Comforted my dark feelings
• Applauded my dark feelings
• Accepted my dark feelings
I did not make any attempt to get myself out of my funk. I did not chastise myself for feeling this way or that. I did not make material purchases or stuff the feelings as to numb myself from them. I embraced them with arms opened wide. At first this felt awkward. By the end of my few hour darkness–which has lasted days, if not weeks, in the past–I felt like a whole person still. I did not feel like I needed to get better, work through stuff, use positive self talk, or the like. I just felt whole. I just felt like me.
This is the embracing of Spirit. May you embrace your Spirit self this week. May you embrace all of you.
April 14, 2013 § Leave a Comment
The best perspective I can offer anyone that I’ve learned up until this point is: accept the revelation and let it go.
What do I mean by this? Well, often we receive a transformative aha moment and we soak it up, we allow it to flow through our subconscious, and revamp our current paradigm into a new one. We evolve.
All of this is well and good. Yet what happens when we cling to it without allowing ourselves room to breath? When we bring every thought and feeling back to that moment we were transformed rather than living in the present? We are living in the past. You know, the time which has already come and gone.
So then where are you living if you aren’t here? Well, you’re not here, so obviously you were hoping for some time machine or what not so you could relive that mountain top experience.
Okay, I’m being quite a bit facetious, but seriously. It’s weird when you see it that way, right?
Let me offer an example: I had a series of sudden moments over a few months leading up to the suggestion from Rick Strassman–psychiatrist and researcher of DMT–to find an academic program or setting in which to research my hypothesis. This lead to much googling–or actually bing-ing–of graduate programs and research institutes until I found what I was looking for. After I had done my fair share, I took a break and had a revelation on what I really wanted. (Which happened to NOT be graduate school.)
Shortly thereafter, I found what sounded like an amazing program in Nor Cal. Fast forward two months, I couldn’t stop thinking about it! It was controlling my life. I wanted nothing else but for people to take me seriously. I wanted to have credentials. I even considered the global PhD program at Sofia University. I was stuck on people thinking I was smart!
What does it matter?!
I could not move past the thought collapse of that one idea. I was repeating that ego moment over and over, the idea that had partially come from me and partially from that beautiful, miraculous moment. I was innocently attempting to bring my revelation down to earth to apply what I had gained, yet I lost sight of, well, practically everything.
And here’s the key:
The evolution discontinues when we believe that we have “made it”. When the self-discovery exceeds the need and wants and halts into a place of excessive desire to have more of what was found and not build upon it.
Wasn’t that pretty? It was another aha moment just for you. To me that sounds like idolizing the moment rather than living in the truth. The moment becomes both being and doing. We view it from an ego perspective, a survival-based perspective, as if that aha is not lived out in some way, we will die!
The truth is: once the aha moment is reached, our experience–our life–has already been shifted. It goes into the computer that is our brain and shifts the paradigm. So that even if we forget it, even if it drifts off as quickly as it came, it has already entered into our consciousness and done what it needed to do.
“What about when the same revelation comes back again? What then?” you say.
Be teachable. That’s all I’ve got for you. Let go and be teachable. Say “thank you”. Little reminders are a beautiful thing. It’s as if the Universe is saying “I love you”. You can say “I love you” right back by consciously letting it go.
April 11, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Again, I say love lest you be loved.
April 9, 2013 § 1 Comment
This week we are discussing the evolving of Prayer: Practicing Consciousness from a rebellious and deliciously new and, at the same time, 2000 year old practice. This practice has been used since the beginning of time to keep oneself aligned with, you guessed it, oneself. Without a steady contemplation inwardly as a daily habitual practice, sometimes the outwardly can be all too influencing. That is never a good thing.
Otherness, as I will refer to anything but the inclusivity of you, is what I believe the ancients referred to as “demons”. Outside influences that are from any plane. You simply cannot deny that some people possess you–your emotions, your feelings, your actions, your thoughts–more than others. Whether it be from a dysfunctional relationship or the transient loitering in Starbucks, we’ve felt otherness.
Prayer is simply a speaking out–within yourself or aloud–whatever you are needing/wanting to be present in. Prayer is practicing consciousness. What I mean by that is you are bringing yourself to the present moment. Realigning and centering with the Here and Now. Rather than slipping into an ego state, that unattractive survival mode, it is pulling yourself to this very moment.
Hundreds of self-help gurus and motivational speakers will tell you all sorts of perspectives and give prayer all sorts of names. It is the idea that what you are creating in your mind in that moment is your future laying before you. The more conscious and unifying your mind is, the more aligned and true the outcome.
This isn’t about asking for all the glorious riches of the future, the material aspects. It’s about going as deeply within yourself, your true self to touch your soul, as possible that will give you future breadth. If what I just said was completely foreign to you, please understand that I am a lover of unity, truth, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, hope, joy/suffering. You may call me a harlot and I will rejoice!
This week practice bringing every part of your inner world to the present. Perhaps try this prayerful mantra for kicks, “Revelation, come.” Love be with you.
Vegan: Feeling and Spirit Jenny Update. As many of you know, I am a vegan, so I didn’t make any dietary changes that were all too drastic. I do want to say that I joined a good friend–accountability is key–in removing caffeine and sugar from my diet. I am on day nine and oddly, I do not miss it and have been eating more greens
salads with ease than ever. Yay! Share your comments, please!