The Trouble of Acceptance.
May 17, 2012 § 10 Comments
As a parent, children add a whole new gamut of uncomfortable situations to the table, sadly. It wasn’t until we had Audrey that Trever and I realized how many issues we have with feeling embarrassed in public.
I can clear as day remember the first time this really hit me when we moved into our new place in Long Beach and my dad, step mom, and little sister came to visit. We went to a pizza parlor together and a man in a booth behind us said,
“Who brings a baby to a pizza parlor?”
Trever looked like he was going to punch someone in the face. Instead he stood up, scooped the crying three-week-old Audrey from my arms and walked out into the cold beach night. From that point on, he almost always refused to eat out with Audrey until she was about twenty months and not crying as frequently.
My first reaction to his stubbornness was they just need to deal with it. Yet as time has gone on, it’s become apparent that my feelings of embarrassment arise as a parent much more frequently than Trever’s.
Since the parlor brawl (hehe) over two years ago, Trev has let go of a lot of the issues and triggers that were holding him to those feelings. I, on the other hand, have only explored more with my children by my side and come in contact with more people who want a kid-free (or at least explorative, bouncy, energetic kid-free) environment. You’ll never guess where I’ve discovered these more than uncomfortable situations:
• At the grocery store: Audrey wanting to help put things in the cart
• In mommy and me yoga: She’s too old for the class
• Music class: She’s too bouncy, bubbly, and the center of attention
• At the park: She wants to be everyone’s friend
• In mommy groups: She wants to explore and needs a lot of hands-on play
My daughter is so much like myself and her father–playful, funny, personable, and always performing–that I’m constantly reminded of myself. I can’t help but remember what it felt like to be that way and to continually have people treating me like I was making them uncomfortable, embarrassed, or the like.
Now I see the scenario playing out from a different perspective. I don’t feel like either of my parents knew what to do with me and also felt constantly embarrassed. Here I am replaying the same parenting techniques and I have no idea how to break free.
I love my Audrey, but I don’t really feel comfortable taking her practically anywhere–on top of that, I’ve got an infant’s needs that I’m trying to meet while protecting the heart of my toddler. I feel like staying at home all day every day to protect her and keep her safe from the world because I know the end result of having people constantly shame the behavior of a performer: You stop wanting to perform. You turn away from community and people and hide from everyone you know because it’s easier than being hurt.
And I want her to perform! If I had the money to, she’d be in dance class, voice class, musical theatre class, acting class,…anything performance related, you name it, she’d be there. She loves it! She eats it up! She will watch movies and act out the entire thing. She’ll sing the songs, dance, put on outfits like them, say the lines, and drag you along to perform with her. It’s the best!
I’m so afraid of killing that spark inside of her as so many people in my childhood did to me. It’s the acceptance that I do desire for her. I have such a hard time knowing and feeling if I’m accepted and I often run away from people, places, and events if I don’t know if I am or I can’t tell.
We all need to feel accepted, it’s a core desire of our humanness. Yet I struggle with it so deeply.
Author John Eldredge said to let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.
It is difficult to struggle with acceptance, but from my perspective, once you realize that God made you and accepts you, the acceptance of just about everyone else pales in comparison.
Thanks for the honesty on your blog!
Thank you, John Eldridge. Hehe. It does pale in comparison, doesn’t it? It’s gotten easier since I wrote this post. I’m also learning how happy she is just being at home. I didn’t realize how quickly she gets tired or overwhelmed with people. She’s more like me than I thought!
i used to struggle with that and then I saw the last scene of Parenthood with Steve Martin. I won’t give it away in case you haven’t seen it, and if you have and your wondering what in the heck I’m talking about, take another look.
I used to be one of those people who became easily embarrassed and it was really hard for me to keep quiet when my kids were, well, just being kids. I don’t feel that way anymore, there is so much freedom that comes along with that.
PS we also moved to the midwest where everyone takes their kids everywhere and no really minds. Things were a lot different when we lived in Oregon.
PPS I think its ok to wait a little while before taking little little ones to restaurants and movie theaters and so on. That can be really stressful for the parents, the kids, and the other customers.
I haven’t seen it! I should! Mmm, freedom by letting go and allowing them to be themselves (and realize it’s issue) sounds great! Are you making a Kansas plug again? Hehe. Yes, staying home and around home is definitely in order. Oh and more mommy/daddy dates! Any babysitters?!
Now that Simon is a toddler, I notice myself getting frustrated at times when we are out in public and he starts acting a little wild. Perhaps the frustration comes from embarrassment at being the parent of one of “those kids” who screams and cries and throws himself on the floor in the middle of the store. But I think what it boils down to for me is that it is my issue because he’s not living up to “my expectations” for him and I perceive his behavior as a reflexion on my mothering skills instead of looking at it as “normal” behavior for a child his age who doesn’t have the skills to communicate in a more mature way. And I think for you, while I’m sure it is painful if people are making comments about your little one, the truth is, it is their issue for not understanding and allowing for the individuality and uniqueness of Audrey’s personality. She is who she is for a reason, and God has some amazing purposes in creating her that way.
As I was reading this, I thought of the little girls who sang and danced in our church service this morning. I don’t know if you have a church you’re going to, but perhaps there is one in your area that may have a kids program that would allow her an outlet for some of that creativity and energy and that wouldn’t require paying for lessons or club fees. Just a thought.
For sure! Expectations definitely get in the way. Expectations, triggers, a lack of self-regulation. I have to take a deep breath and then help her to take one too (sometimes hard when Eddie is the ergo. Hehe.)! Love the performing idea! We’re definitely looking into activities like that. Congrats on your second!!
I love Audrey’s bright, shining presence, and know many others feel uplifted by just being around her (and you)! I so relate to being the kid that always put on a show, and at times made adults feel uncomfortable. Thankfully, my parents were punk rock enough to be like, “F what they think!” which has helped me accept the little performer within. But I think all of us, parents have our moments in the grocery store of wishing our crying, “wild” child would just STOP! And while it’s no easy task to quiet the inner judge, we can remember that if there was ever a time to act exactly as one feels like – big, loud, and wonderfully irrational – toddlerhood is it!
Woot woot, toddlerhood! I can relate to that performer expression as well. I’m for sure mimicking my parents “holding me back” at times when Audrey starts to put on a dance show in the middle of a restaurant. LOL. She needs an acting class! My new thing when she gets a little dysregulated and crumbles to the floor: “Oooh, you’re feeling dysregulated? Let me help you with that!” I pick her up and go to a quiet area, that seems to do the trick!
Abree is a faire brat, and she is saying hi to everyone. Abree is a wild child, my solution is to laugh and not be uncomfortable & roll with it. my problem is because she is cute, people let her get away with things then add she is so cute.
Ah, so true! Cuteness is a license. Hehe. Abree is a dollface. I can totally see everyone loving her in her darling hat! We’ve got our hands full!