March 4, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Adam and Eve were not allowed relations in the beginning. Before they ate of the fruit, they did not touch, existing on opposite sides of the garden. They did not yearn for each other for they did not know life. It was intended that they two be immortal, fully enlightened beings existing to physically depict yin and yang, darkness and light, etc. Their energies one turning left the other turning right, or more clearly, one going forward and one going back (coming from the stomach out, coming from the back behind, insert visual image). Alone, they each made a half circle. Together, they made a whole. This is why Adam felt completed. Adam and Eve were said to be good. Their mirrored energy (forward and back) was also good. Picture it spinning. They were night and day. Light and darkness. A perfect depiction of Divine Consciousness.
Together they shared a mutual consciousness of time, space, energy, understanding of one another, food, meditation, awareness, sleep, exercise, nature, love, etc. Their one difference was this: Adam could see and Eve could hear. Adam could see God, Eve could hear God. Adam could see Animals, Eve could hear animals.
This is why Yin (with it’s dark O defining the pupil, earthly understanding, or better Nature–plants, animals…Adam, the caretaker/worker) and Yang (the white O circle depicting the ear, heavenly understanding, or better Divine/Humanity–Adam, Eve was to care for Adam) is a concrete display of truth. The half and half.
Adam and Eve shared everything, yet he wanted to hear her and she wanted to see him. Because she could not see, she could only hear Adam speak to her. But because he could not hear, she could only look pretty for him. In this way, they could only communicate by touch. Touch is was and always will be the first depiction of love. They were the blind leading the blind, yet they Loved it. God would come to Adam in signs and spirits. God would come to Eve as a voice internal, intuition. Since she could not see Adam, she had to trust her gut. Since he could not hear Eve, he had to believe/have faith in his heart. This theme is rampant throughout the bible and consistent in diabolical male/female relationships. Their love was the Trinity: The father/God love in unity/trinity, the brother/sisterly love in humanity, and the male/female sexual roles in nature. Agape, phileo, Eros.
*that she loved him.
These loves frame the trinity. God/Divine is bringing about supraconsciousness/crown chakra and God/humanity is aligning itself within a collective consciousness (unity creates connection to supraconsciousness, healing means spinning in one direction to create universal love) to heal God/Spirit/nature. This has already begun to happen, but more must come together to believe in a supraconscious. This singular belief causes all consciousness to unite. This unity causes mass healing through Touch (a.k.a. Love. a.k.a. God). Touch can be seen by Jesus (saw and heard while with Mary; they created a unified circle, Trever and I create the same circle) in his many healings. He made the lame to walk (could not hear, see: Eve) and the blind to see (could not see: Adam).
As Eve sat under the tree of life, day after day, she became curious. You may not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This was not a tree that duped Adam and Eve into eating it. It was a tree of dichotomies, or opposites. Adam and Eve did not see/hear this as positive/negative because their perspectives/paradigm was Truth. Thus they did not know what a negative feeling would feel like, God did not tell them. Nor was there any other rule throughout the garden. Only one: Do not eat the fruit.
Do not eat the fruit?
One day, a snake came up to Eve sitting under the tree of life. You should come with me, he said. To the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So she stood up and walked to the tree. When she arrived at the tree, he directed her to eat the fruit. A new beginning. She was free to choose, or was she? All she knew was that she had always known what to do, her gut had always told her. And this time, her gut was saying yes.
She reached up and ate the fruit. It tasted delicious. Even more, she could see it! Big, beautiful red apple. It wasn’t the fruit! It was the belief! She TOUCHED the apple, and ate it. She could always see, she just didn’t realize that was sight! The fruit gave her truth.
Up ran Adam, who could see but not hear. He took the apple from the smiling Eve and ate it. Both had sight! And they awakened the God/Spirit/Nature. All of the sudden, they could both hear and see!! It was a celebration. Nothing was better than being present with one another. To enjoy fully all that God had to offer.
Now they were spinning forward and nature was spinning back.
They continued to eat. When they ate of the apple, they felt pulled back. Away from nature, therefore away from God. The spirit, they discovered was what always connected them to God. All three Love’s were necessary.
This little bit of pull from their digestive energy–before there was no pull because all was on the same/opposite wave–caused a reaction in their physical that they had never noticed before. This pulled the naval chakra (shame) and the heart chakra (guilt) back, in Eve and Adam respectively. They looked at each other with Eros Love for the first time.
They indulged in relations.
Adam, feeling guilt from his eating, hid from God. This was healthy. Adam did not know how to explain his newly realized self.
The Spirit/Nature is the kundalini. This is not awakened until puberty (like Adam and Eve). This also opens the pinile (Supraconsciousness). This does not happen if brotherly/sisterly Love (very very very specifically, physical touch) is not present. If physical touch is not present at this age, it WILL NOT OPEN. The one and only thing that can heal is brotherly/sisterly touch. More specifically, if the energy of the male hugging the female is Open Self Love, aka Trinity Love–consciousness to God, Self, Spirit–it will cause the females love to unite with Nature (and God/Divine, if this has not been done previously).
If this touch is completed in puberty, both will be open. At 30 (more or less), the individual will receive tantric (phileo) Love, Eros Love, and agape Love from a partner (heterosexual and all other communities, lgbtq, etc.). This causes the eyes to open and the ears to hear, as Adam and Eve experienced around the same age. When this occurs, not only is the individual available for Trinity Love, they are prepared for their destiny/living in free choice flow. Adam was told he would toil the ground (this is man in Nature, connected to Spirit; his heart) and Eve would feel man’s equivalent work in childbirth so that they may mirror one another in Love, so that they may carry the burden of the cross, so to speak (her gut).
This was a “result” of eating the apple, but surely not the way we think of it. It was a rites of passage. An initiation ceremony. A cleansing. And completely intentional.
Adam and Eve were more than happy with their lives. Adam pleased to work the ground, Eve pleased to carry their offspring. He provided for her with food, clothing, and shelter. She provided him with everything he needed: Love. They were happy like this, there little family. Growing every day.
February 11, 2013 § Leave a Comment
How does one remain in a state of higher consciousness? This question has vexed me over the past couple months. It was only when I let go and entered into a state of chosen silence that I began to understand.
When I have transformative moments in consciousness, I remain in a peaceful state of consciousness if I let go of what was learned immediately. If I hold onto it, I slip into an ego state. In my ego state, I become depressed, irritated, fatigued, restless, etc. I discovered this lesson when I received that I should go to graduate school in December. I then gripped the idea in my fist and became severely depressed and tossed by the waves of the sea of life. I became more isolated, stubborn, and dysfunctional in my conditioned patterns and reactions to life.
“What have I done? What did I do?” I could not figure it out on my own accord until seven weeks had passed and a dream came to me.
This dream brought me peace. Three days later, I “rose from the dead”. During the course of the day, I came to realize: a higher state of consciousness is achieved when being and doing are simultaneously let go of and only silence remains. This is the state in which I choose to stay. It is my heaven, my sanctuary on earth.
In a higher state of consciousness, I:
• Act from a place of utter truth, truth in the Self and truth with the collective (Unity)
• Believe in utter truth; no judgments are made from false perceptions of the self or collective
• Think utter truth; thoughts flow more slowly and when necessary, stillness can be arrived at with a thought, meditation/mindfulness is not a struggle
• Expression is utter truth in the present moment; I reflect my truth like a mirror in the moment I am in
This state is slipped into like that of slipping into your favorite outfit. You don’t think about it nor is it really planned. You just be and do, because it is what comes naturally.
You do not feel pressured to perform, have a plan, make a statement, move forward, act accordingly, save the planet, love. You just be and do.
A higher state of consciousness for me is basking in a meditative state. I believe this is what is attempting to be achieved by many. To take the expanse that is the collective consciousness, or Unity, and live in it in Unity with the Self–all parts included.
Whenever I dream, my subconscious reminds me that I am these three: the collective consciousness, the Self, and the ego. I am the trinity. Together we embrace love to empower the self and others. To be and do. It is not by faith or good works, but by residing in the state that is higher consciousness.
When I slip into the ego, it feels as if I am “coming down to earth.” I feel veiled and disconnected from myself. I cannot step back and see my situation because it is as if I am engulfed so deeply in my situation that nothing or no one can ever understand. I am isolation itself. I am all the pains of my physical body. I am all of my vital energy, my emotions. I am all of my thoughts, my thoughts and I are intertwined, we are one.
Yet none of this is truth.
When I transcend all of these beliefs, I am the trinity that is my higher state of consciousness. I am neutral to all that is around me yet completely proactive, empathetic, and intuitive to every present moment. Actions are in flow. Beliefs are brought into alignment with truth. Thoughts are taken captive and aligned with truth. Thoughts do not reflect me. I am not thoughts, thoughts are the way in which I communicate with the self and the collective. Expression is in truth. In this state I am truthfully capable of self healing all aspects of the self: physical, vital/emotional, mental, as well as aligning the self with the spirit and soul. Sri Aurobindo called this the perspective of the psychic being.
Whatever you choose to call it, it is the higher state of consciousness where love is the only thing. Truth, peace, bliss, calmness. All are mirrored reflections of this higher state. Nothing else matters but what you believe to be and do in the present moment. May your dreams guide you to a higher state as they have guided me.
With all my love,
January 23, 2013 § Leave a Comment
In 2006, Dr. Bruce Baloian, theology professor at Azusa Pacific University, gave me the best advice of anyone I’ve ever known: Go deeper. He will give you breadth.
Back then, I thought I knew what he meant. Go deeper in your understanding of God and he will give you a broader spectrum of people to affect. Makes sense.
So I went as deep as my 23-year-old self would allow me to before butting up against itself, or rather, its otherness.
One engagement, marriage, recession, 2 pregnancies, and fourteen moves has led to another and I find myself where I am today.
Consciousness has wrapped me in her love and perpetually shown me:
The only body you can control is your own.
The only emotions/vital energy you can control is your own.
The only brain/mind you can control is your own.
The only soul/open self you can embrace is your own.
The only consciousness and psychic being you can fall into is One. Is Love.
Therefore to go deeper is to be consumed and completely engulfed in the omnipresence that is being deeper. When one realizes that no control can be achieved outside of consciousness, that deeper still is the only “control” possible, the necessitation for breadth diminishes.
In the punitive state that doing is portrayed in the third eye/crown chakra view, to be is the only question. There is no “not to be,” to answer it a few centuries late. And as the person falls deeper into the transcendent state, all liberty and destiny are pulled in–not for self-interest but for the beloved truth we adoringly call Love. For it is I AM.
May 28, 2012 § 2 Comments
I promise this has a very happy ending.
It’s so strange how you can begin to feel extremely overwhelmed all of the sudden and not know where the flood of feelings came from. Depression–unknown needs and/or needs that aren’t getting met–hits the best of us like a big slap in the face every once and awhile, some more than others.
Recently, Trever has been getting more work (yay!) and I’ve been feeling distant. As he adds on more hours, I spend more time at home with the kids. After the Great Mold Fiasco, he actually worked 22 days in a row. I thought I was going to fall to pieces.
Being with my cuties for ten, twelve, fourteen hour days can wear on one’s soul, regardless of how utterly adorable they are minute by minute. Even the best parenting class can’t help you get a break. Especially when the event of peeing isn’t private.
This past week, Trever stepped into another marathon-get-er-done sprint to finish a job. And I fell into an existential looping depression. I could’t get myself to shut up no matter how much I tried. I drank water, ate fruits and veggies, made Indian dal, drank coconut water, kombucha, coffee, tea, snuggled with the kids, took a break from blogging, sang made-up songs, went to the park, breastfed my buddy (obviously), drew pictures, read every book we own, looked at photos, played catch (kind of, we’re working in it), and had a game of hide-and-go seek.
Nothing. Was. Working.
I could still hear my looping thoughts and I was still getting angry with Audrey even though I was trying so hard to remain happy. Yet there I was: parenting with unmet needs looming in my frontal lobe. I did the old call the mom thing (my mom, the MFT) and she said get a break.
I had a break. Got my nails did. Purchased a new bra. Bought a birthday present. Had a nice breather. Trever took the next day off and I couldn’t feel more elated. Pressing in the back of my mind at the third birthday party was the fact that he was going to work the next day.
I missed him already. (I told you this would have a happy ending. I’m getting there.)
After getting the kids into bed (finally) and watching a couple episodes of Friends, season 4, we rallied in the bathroom to brush our teeth. Then it came out.
“I’m so scared of being depressed tomorrow.”
“Why? What do you need?”
There you have it. He knew there was something I needed and I couldn’t have pin-pointed it that easily. We spent the next half an hour trying to understand one another. I finally worked out a few of the things I was hoping for him to get. And then I said it:
You’re my best friend.
That’s what it really comes down to. I simply want to spend more time with him and help him with the marketing and administration stuff for the company we’re starting (more on that later). I desire to share the work load and be able to enjoy our time together more, knowing full well that the bookkeeping is getting done and that we/he has work scheduled weeks in advance.
That’s what it really comes down to. Stepping back, he’s my best friend.
See, told ya.
April 30, 2012 § 4 Comments
Have you ever wondered if you were just loved exactly where you were at how much more awesome you would be? Not gonna lie, I think about it all the time. This little voice inside of me constantly tells me that I don’t do things quite right. That I could fix this or that. And that those around me are continuously judging me with a harsh and differing point of view.
Yes, I hate that voice. It’s all too familiar. It’s been there since I was just a little girl. Particularly louder since I became a mom and added more responsibility to my plate. It’s a wonder I ever accomplish a thing. How do I get through my day? I get the voice to settle down a bit and pump myself up with a bit of self-talk. I drink a lot of water. I eat healthy at the appropriate times. And I try to do what feels natural, what flows.
It isn’t always easy. I get a poor nights sleep. I forget to drink anything besides coffee to keep me awake. The dishes are dirty and I need to go grocery shopping and, besides, I’m not even having a “cute” day. My hair is a curly mess, my favorite shirt is dirty, and I didn’t have time to apply any make-up. Nothing. Can. Go. Right.
The day gets the better of me. All of the sudden my thoughts are swimming with existentialism. I can’t figure out what I’m doing. It all seems too difficult. I’m at odds with what I really want to do! Am I a writer? A blogger? An entrepreneur? Do I pursue an MA in creative writing, songwriting, commercial music? Do I wait until the kids are in school to do other things and pursue my interests? Or do I homeschool and forgo “me” altogether until much later in life?
Ahhh! Who am I? Why am I here? What on earth am I doing? Is there a god with a capital “G” and if there is, would he/she just tell me what I’m doing?!!!?!?!?!
And then it hits me. I knew this about myself the moment I woke up to my beautiful 3-month-old son lying next to me smiling with bright blue eyes at 7:18am this morning.
March 16, 2012 § Leave a Comment
If there was something more to this life, don’t you wish someone would tell you? To awaken to the beating of more. Another. Give or take. The opportunity is not an opportunity unless it is presented. Until then, it is only a mist.
Maybe you’ve never heard. Maybe you have forgotten. This life is but one chance. There is nothing else. It is fleeting. It is trying. It is difficult. It is what you have been birthed to do. The choice is yours. You can live in love. Forevermore. Continuously.
Or you can live in hate. The hatred of yourself. The hatred of those around you. The hatred of a higher power. The hatred of life itself. Or rather love. Love of who you are. Who you have been created to be.
Who you once were [however distasteful your decisions of the past nay present may be]. Who you are becoming. Who you would like to become. Love of those around you. To your fullest capacity. At this very moment. Love for a higher power. Love and hate. Belief and disbelief. You cannot have one without the other.
To love is to believe. To believe in something more from yourself. To believe that a life once ruined is now renewed. To believe you can answer the call. The burdens on your heart. To believe you can expose the lies. The lies that hold you back from believing.
Disbelief is to hate. To hate is to disbelieve. To not believe you can be more. To not believe that your life can be transformed. To not believe you can ever accomplish anything of greater worth. To not believe in those around you. And to continue. To continue to believe the lies. The lies that you entrench yourself in. By choice. In hate. In disbelief.
Black and white it may seem. Yet the gray area is this: You choose. You choose the reality that you live in. You choose to be influenced. You choose to to stay stagnant. You choose to change. Black and white is who you are. Gray is what you make of it. Love the gray.
Originally posted in 2006.
March 9, 2012 § Leave a Comment
As was mentioned months past in our Family Overview post, one of our hopes this year was to grow spiritually. To be honest, we have no idea what that means or what that looks like. Yet we do know that spirituality is something that is integrated into every part of our life.
You’re either giving and reaping life in your spirituality. Or you’re spreading death to those around you.
Okay, okay, let’s not dichotomize spirituality or the entirety of our Beings. I don’t think that’s right, nor can it be done. But just think: the balance within you is either more light or greater in darkness in any given moment.
Whatever spiritual path I choose to take, my hope is to have more good coming out of me. I have a hard time with this on a daily basis. A struggle for humanity in general, I fight to be patient and have self-control. That is, to keep my temper.
The following is a poetic encouragement to “eat spiritual food” that is healthful and sweet to your soul. I hope you feel as encouraged as I did whilst re-reading it.
Every person has to be spiritually fed. eats spiritual food. Lives on a spiritual diet. Some eat food that is nutritious. That benefits their bodies as an adult. That balances their life. And feeds their mind, body, soul, and strength. Others and most eat food that poisons. Poisons their being. Intoxicates their life. Feeds and tears apart at the same time. It rips, shreds, destroys, kills, and steals. True life from them.
Their spiritual diet is death. They feast on darkness. Day-in and day-out they consume a variety of meals that bring lies. And they feast on foods that only make them too fat. Too skinny. Too proud. Too weak. Too insane. Too lifeless. Too confused. Too hurt. Too thirsty and/or hungry for the wrong thing. Not thirsty and/or hungry enough for the right.
For righteousness. Too damaged. Too filthy. Too infested. Too bland. Too imperfect. Too dirty. Too defiled. Too broken. Those who eat this food do not realize they’re doing so. That they are stuffing their faces with death. With decay. Each bite they take takes them closer to the grave. The Sheol.
Instead of monitoring their intake. They eat whatever they see. They replace water with wine all too often. Pleasure with delicacies they’re not prepared to take. And coping with just one more bite to push away the pain. They pretend that they are not the one choosing. Choosing to lift the fork to their mouths. Choosing to eat what is placed before them. Choosing to consume what will never satisfy.
And what is worse than those who only eat a diet of dissastisfaction and death are those who believe they are eating a satisfactory life. In their own minds they are consuming glory. When in reality, they’re consuming to gorge. They stuff their faces with the right foods only because they are considered to be right. Not because they crave them. They teach others to “eat nutritiously.”
Making their announcements known throughout the world. Yet they still binge and barf on their own demise. In their double life, they sample and sometimes stuff themselves with secret meals. Eaten behind closed doors. That evoke the entire purpose of their original diet. They rationalize one slip here and their to be natural, normal, and blame it on “part of being imperfect.”
They blend the good, healthy, life-giving, nutritious foods with a diet that suffocates. The blending that takes place only brings more lifelessness. Any energy that could come from the healthy is torn apart by the treachery of the cleverly disguised. Misguided as though they seem, these eaters consume what they believe will bring them long-lasting life. In reality, their reality tricks them into only seeing the nutritious and not the grotesque. Death will come upon them and they will blame it on the pressures of those around them. Rather than seeing the own fork they put to their mouth.
If they could only understand with their misguided hearts, life comes from an appetite of goodness. Not for what it is, but for where it takes you. What it does in you that you cannot see, but you can feel, touch, taste, and desire. Those who long for this diet of light find themselves deeply satisfied. And always wanting more. The life that it brings always. Always satisfies.
The choice to be made is the diet you choose. The spiritual undertaking of grub you decide to digest. Since it takes discipline, habitual discipline, to eat the diet that sheds light and brings vitality. It is one that needs to be chosen on a daily basis. The habit becomes devotion. The devotion becomes internal. Naturally satisfying. Causing the wrong foods to be distasteful. Leaving you in wanting. Dissatisfied in the fullest. And while immoral delicacies may be inappropriately appealing, they are not altogether unavoidable. The choice is then this: What will you choose to be spiritually fed: a life or death diet.
Originally posted: September 15, 2007
Photo: My sweet Audrey.
March 2, 2012 § Leave a Comment
As many of you know, I was raised in a Christian home. With Christian values and teachings, hopes and dreams. I enjoyed reading the Bible, gaining insight, and having enlightenment on things that I didn’t understand prior to. My parents did the best that they could to explain these things to me in their own brokenness, speaking out of their own issues.
On the other side of the coin, I went to over twenty five churches making up over ten different denominations and had more ideas thrown at me than a Junior Higher in public school. It was confusing, to say the least. It also made me a great thinker and debater, because it allowed me to see many sides. I didn’t just take life as it was, I questioned it. Just like my father taught me to.
After trying my hand at missions–and wanting to argue my perspective rather than simply do my duties–I came home to write an e-book, which I published on Booklocker.com. The book outlined my thoughts and perspectives on Christianity and what I considered “truth” with a capital “T” at the time.
The following post is one of many thoughts that got that book going. It is my take on Westernized Christianity under the Old Law. Even if you’re not into that, it’s an interesting satirical read of the infamous tight-rope walker from August 19, 2007.
The old law is like walking on a tight rope. High above everyone else, the performer entices the on-lookers to take notice. With the raise of the hand and a wave of clapping from the audience, he steps out onto the wire. Dressed in attire that he would never normally wear, people believe he knows what he is doing.
“He looks as though he’s done this before!”
“Oh his blue and silver unitard is stunning!”
They exclaim in their so-called knowlege-and-wisdom of circus acts. As the first step is taken, wires wobbling, fists clenched, the crowd looks on. Fear, more so of the eyes burning below, causes him to go like jelly in the knees. The wire wobbles on the second step more so then on the first, gasps can be heard from afar.
As each small step is taken, he helplessly looks down for salvation. Only to discover there is no net underneath him. Rather a small tank of half-starved alligators lurks below. And all he can think of is how the alligators aren’t kosher. His train-of-thought rants on as wobbely baby-steps ensue,
“If they’re not kosher, and I fall into them and and they eat me or any part of me, does that make it unclean? Will I then be too unholy to serve my Lord?”
The wire shakes. On either side are dark figures dressed in black. Their balance is immortal. They squat, wiggle, squirm, taunt, seduce, and distract on either side. They jeer and yet the crowd pays no attention. Too high above to ask them if they can see his taunters, the tight-rope walker deduces his options.
To move forward from this half-way point would be into a darkness that seems no one else can see. To turn around would be the same demise but cowardly to an unbeknownst viewer. To fall would be to be eaten by an unkosher animal and be sent into eternal damnation. Apart from the Ring Leader, the scales have been weighed. Perhaps the measurements were off. He’s really out of options. And as he stands in the center, he realizes these “road blocks” were there from the beginning. He thinks,
“Perhaps I am like Job, so righteous…Satan himself wanted to distract me! Yes, that must be it. Where are my friends so they can give me counsel? Where is my wife so she can bring me a drink?”
The crowd stares in wonderment, dumbfounded by the lack of courage on his part to take another step. They question whether he has real authority. Whether he really is a tight-rope walker. Or if it was just another ploy for them to stare. His heart begins to burn. then pound incessantly. He cries,
“This will never end!”
And the crowd cries silently with him.