February 18, 2013 § 2 Comments
Nothing in this world can define me. By their very definition, I am connected to this language by verbiage to describe myself. Yet I feel altogether disconnected from it.
Mother, daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife. And the hundreds of other descriptors that have filtered through my life, through my belief system.
I am even tempted to remove “Unity Consultant” from my blog and am wishing it was not even on my business cards.
In this moment, I just am. I am. I am simply me. My birth name does not even define me. Is this what it feels like to be a baby? To be a newborn sitting in your mothers arms? Perhaps even a young one still in utero?
You see, inside of me, I had a belief that I must be externally defined. That something outside of me–in this case, language and acts of doing–must define me and fill the space inside my mind. That those doing’s would lead me on some obscure journey towards something. This “something” I have no idea what it may be. I’ve never seen it, never heard it.
Alas, that’s not true. I’ve seen glimpses. I’ve had moments of allowing myself to embrace this “I am”-ness and just reside in it, however uncomfortable. As soon as it skips away, I beat myself up, tear myself down, remind myself of my false beliefs, et cetera et cetera et cetera. I fall into the conditioned ego self again.
I have seen it. I have heard it. I know this feeling, this thought pattern, this physical calmness, this connection. Peace, peace, peace, peace. Love, love, love, love.
Do you know what I did today while fighting against this process with all of my being (my ego would not have it!!)? I realized that I equate all transformative growth to: Pain. I could connect every belief in my entire being back to pain. Every bit of doing, for that matter as well.
“Is it painful? Good. I’ll grow. I love growth,” I’d say to myself.
This concept, belief system, is sprinkled throughout my adult life.
It is so deeply entrenched that I am holding onto it with every last bit of my ego. If I do not have this belief, I really have nothing. How painful/growing the experience will be is my ultimate deciding factor in any decision…the two completely intertwined in my mind so closely that I cannot see/hear the difference.
Although I can honestly say it is the scariest thing to admit, I am freaking out right now that I may very well have just figured out how to bestow freedom upon myself. That is to allow myself to live in a higher state of consciousness. Or for those folks of you out there who prefer more down to earth language: I think I might have just found my key to happiness. And I’m certain you will find the same.
Wishing you love,
March 26, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Growth is one of those funny things that you don’t really notice until **BAM!** it happens and you’re there. You don’t necessarily feel more mature. Or further ahead. Or like you know more than you used to. If you’re like me, you just feel like you’ve encountered a shift in your perspective.
I happen to be madly in love with growth, always have been. It’s only deepened since I became a mother. You see, as a mother, I’ve noticed that I “monitor” my personal growth even less. Not that that’s a good thing. Yet it’s true.
The last big hurrah before baby number two was born was when I had Audrey. I remember thinking that I could die during this experience (child labor), but that it was okay. My new bundle of sunshine was worth it.
The second with Edric was no different. I so strongly desired their life to flourish that my own needs–to be comfortable, to be sleeping, to not be in pain–were far from my mind. And in both instances after the labor, I looked into my own eyes in the mirror and said,
“Yep, I don’t know how, but you’ve grown.”
It’s one of those growth things that you just can’t pin-point really. It just is. You just did. You simply are. And it feels right. Magical personal growth that can’t be taught, explained, or even really grasped by the one experiencing it.
And so as motherhood goes, I continue to embrace whatever my soul and spirit leads me too. More growth in this way or that. More revelation. More truth that jives with who I am. I try to relax into it like a yoga pose, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Focusing on nothing else but the sheer fact that it’s growth.
Photo: Audrey in a dress that has a bit of room for growth.
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February 22, 2012 § 1 Comment
My little sister just turned the Big 18. Now she can legally vote and buy cigs. And it got me a thinking–we’re never really ready for the next year. What’s weird is we have no idea what it will feel like. We make assumptions about growing up and getting older, yet we have no idea what the truth is until we get there:
We feel the same.
When you’re younger you think that when you get to a certain age, say 30 or 40, that it’ll feel this way or that. That somehow life will feel different. That you’ll know more than you did on your 28th birthday than you did the day before. But it’s not so.
When a 55-year-old tells me they don’t feel any different, I’m finally starting to believe them. Because it really doesn’t feel any different. Change and growth are such subtle progressions, that you can’t measure them by any means. And age is certainly no indicator of such change and growth.
So you just roll with it. It’s a number. It’s a bodily state that effects your physicality more so than anything else. Yet in our society, there are tons of pressures, spoken and not, to be at certain life stages when you hit a date on the calendar.
When you reach 18, it feels as if the world is telling you to be graduated from high school, to know what you want to do with the rest of your life, and to have a plan.
At 30, it’s like they expect you to have it all together. The job, the car, the significant other, perhaps even the kids.
Once you get to 40 it’s like some unspoken expectation that you have to feel old. That half your life is over, so you’d better be acting like it.
But can I just say, let’s throw these cockamamie ideas straight out the window? They’re ridiculous. And untrue, to say the least. There’s nothing that says you have to be at this place or that. It’s for you to decide. It’s for you to accept.
I know getting older isn’t the funnest thing in the whole world. At least it’s not the same as when you were seven going on eight and couldn’t wait for the “big bike” on your birthday. However, if you look at it as simply time passing–because that’s what it is–and not a way to measure your achievements, success, or lack there of, perhaps you’ll be able to embrace the joy of your birth!
Happy Birthday, Itzel! I love you, lady. I hope you can embrace eighteen with the same passion, energy, and excitement that you’ve done with all the years before.
September 23, 2011 § 2 Comments
“You sure know how to take something beautiful and turn into something trashy because of your issues.” –An early morning revelation that just made me laugh.
I think we all go through moments like this. We take a beautiful experience or event and make it cheap because of our own stupid stuff. We rush into things, don’t prepare enough, try too hard to make it perfect, and the like. In the end, we’re left with a pigment of what we would have liked to have accomplished. But alas, to no certain avail. We diminish it for what it could be.
The moments in my past where I have done the above rather than waited patiently to grow are those that I am not particularly proud of. I can’t say that I did what I knew was necessary, but it turned out half-arsed. In a way that could have simply been avoided by not being so stubborn like a donkey.
I remember vividly using the excuse that I believed now was the time that I was supposed to be doing “x”–going to college, getting married, quitting a job–and rather than putting serious thought into it, I just dove in. That’s not always a bad thing, yet in some cases I tend to lean towards doing some trashy instead of well-thought out when it doesn’t have to be that way. I’ve gotten better over the years though.
I’ve become more thoughtful and aware of my silliness in rushing foolishly. And I’m more capable of stepping back, accepting advice, and seeing things more clearly. Could I have been like this sooner? Maybe. The strange thing about growth is that you can’t force it. You can’t force maturity or understanding or wisdom or patience or any good fruit. It just happens as time passes for some, then there’s always the grumpy old man that you meet and think, “He never worked through his issues.”
This isn’t meant to sound discouraging. No matter your age or place in life, I’m a firm believer in the fact that awareness brings further growth. Even if you can’t push it. And in the end, we’re all a bit beautifully trashy.
Photo: I can relate to that donkey. Baby Farm Animals written and illustrated by Garth Williams.
April 8, 2011 § 1 Comment
Only four days into 27 and I’m feeling pretty old. Not old in a bad way, just an understanding way. I’ve been seeing things differently lately. One of my favorite feelings. I love a change in perspective. It’s an older me, in a sense. A me that took a lot of thought rearranging to get into.
I remember how much work I had to do to process the fact that I had chosen someone to be with. As soon as Trever and I had this conversation on June 24, 2007, I chose to only be with him:
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Um? Singing? Playing music? Traveling? I don’t know. I want to be with someone for sure.”
“You want to be with me.”
“Yeah, I want to be with you.”
Even if in that moment I chose a life with him, it took months to get into the mindset and really grasp what it meant to “do life with someone,” as I like to call it. I kept telling my mom that I wanted to experience life with someone, but when I got there, I still had a lot of old stuff to sift through. Old perceptions. Gender schemas. Marital issues.
As many may know, I was and still am a fairly stubborn, independent, and domineering (among a host of pleasant assets, of course). Getting my brain to think of putting someone first. Following the path of another and not just my own. Having someone be a team with me. All new thoughts. Yet I knew I had to get into it. I knew I had to accept this new thought pattern. Or we’d be in trouble.
I remember the warm, sunny day on September when it happened. I ran out to the curb to greet Trever as he came home from work. I was his. And he was mine. I had put my mind through a sort of mental exercise little by little to build it up and get it in gear for the viewpoint I wanted it to have: Marriage. Monogamy.
Years past and I used my first formula to help me get through and cope with life’s changes. Moving in together. Postponing our wedding. Moving out of the same place. Eloping. Moving back in together. Learning to teach piano and voice lessons. Quitting. The disappointment of not being pregnant. The excitement of being pregnant. The sacrifices and revamping in my head that came along with being a mom.
Phew. That was the next tough one. I had to let go of doing the MBA program I had been accepted into that very same month. Forgo my veg diet, jeans, numerous tops, focus on myself. I had to let go of me in a lot of ways. I had to let go of my own desires to do what I wanted to do and put myself in the mindset of being called Mother. I took my new calling very seriously. I still do. And that revamping helped me tremendously (especially the thought-shift of getting to wear attractive looking bras).
And like becoming a mama, I’ve noticed over the past few months that my older self has noticed that there’s a lot I can’t do. A lot that was a just a pipe dream. I’ve discovered I can’t have my cake and eat it to. That life takes sacrifices in many forms, like that of marriage and parenthood. Most of the time those sacrifices are a good thing. However, they’re always hard. I know myself. And I know if I do the prep work for the sacrifice, it falls into place more easily. If I choose to see the good things along with the more difficult, I can make the change easier on myself. Day four and counting. 27 is going to be a good year.
February 2, 2011 § Leave a Comment
I know it’s simple. I’ve been saying it to myself for the past week or two. I posted it on my FB and Twitter on Monday. My new mantra:
This is life. I’m doing it.
I think often times we get stuck in a rut. We see the world around us. Our reality. From the same perspective over and over and over again. There are days when everything we do just feels like a dream. I know there are those days for me.
A lot of what we go through, the way we view the world and its monotony can be attributed to our lack of desire to grow or see a different perspective. We get comfortable in the way things are so much so that we can’t see that they’re detrimental (or at least not the awesomest) for us.
We’ve talked a lot about getting out of that mindset. Breaking free. And seeing things from a different point of view in the past. Yet here we are. What about when we think we should be growing? Doing this and that? And life, beautiful life is just starring us in the face?
I’ve been a culprit to this indeed. I love love love growth. Change. Goals. Hopes. Dreams. It really gets my motor going. (Wow. That was cheese ball if I ever heard it. It’s true!) I’ve been talking about, encouraging, giving motivational talks and speeches on the above for as long as I can remember. I’ve had a love affair with moving forward. Oh beautiful change. Embrace me one more time.
I could bask in change on a chaise lounge with my sun tan oil on. Sit in and soak in it like a nice bubble bath on a Sunday afternoon. Roll around and splash in it like a fresh puddle after a good rain. You point something out to me about myself? I’ll ponder it. Tinker it. Look at it this way and that. Hold on to it. Process it. Choose it. And/or throw it away. Why? Because I like change. I like the way it feels. The new synapses firing in my brain. The new neuro pathways created. The glory of the “aha!” moment achieved.
I get so caught up in the addiction to change that I can even forget where I’m at in the here and now. Not that I’m missing anything. No. No. No. But that I’m looking for the way to grow and I discount the fact that I’m exactly where I’m at. Period.
This is life. I’m doing it.
This is my new mantra. My new focus. Not to say that I don’t want to grow. Or I’m not open to it. Or blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. However sometimes it’s good to remind yourself that you’re doing it. You can’t change what has happened in the past. You can’t control and manipulate the future. You can be you. You can embrace life where you are in this moment and take whatever it throws at you. Because you know what? You’re good at this. You’ve got this. You can do whatever may come your way. You can choose to grow. Change. Live.
I would love to hear your take on my new mantra. I would love to hear where you’re at in this very moment. I would love to pick a few of your stories and post them as a guest blog. Please email um to me at firstname.lastname@example.org!