Nothing in this world can define me. By their very definition, I am connected to this language by verbiage to describe myself. Yet I feel altogether disconnected from it.
Mother, daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife. And the hundreds of other descriptors that have filtered through my life, through my belief system.
I am even tempted to remove “Unity Consultant” from my blog and am wishing it was not even on my business cards.
In this moment, I just am. I am. I am simply me. My birth name does not even define me. Is this what it feels like to be a baby? To be a newborn sitting in your mothers arms? Perhaps even a young one still in utero?
You see, inside of me, I had a belief that I must be externally defined. That something outside of me–in this case, language and acts of doing–must define me and fill the space inside my mind. That those doing’s would lead me on some obscure journey towards something. This “something” I have no idea what it may be. I’ve never seen it, never heard it.
Alas, that’s not true. I’ve seen glimpses. I’ve had moments of allowing myself to embrace this “I am”-ness and just reside in it, however uncomfortable. As soon as it skips away, I beat myself up, tear myself down, remind myself of my false beliefs, et cetera et cetera et cetera. I fall into the conditioned ego self again.
I have seen it. I have heard it. I know this feeling, this thought pattern, this physical calmness, this connection. Peace, peace, peace, peace. Love, love, love, love.
Do you know what I did today while fighting against this process with all of my being (my ego would not have it!!)? I realized that I equate all transformative growth to: Pain. I could connect every belief in my entire being back to pain. Every bit of doing, for that matter as well.
“Is it painful? Good. I’ll grow. I love growth,” I’d say to myself.
This concept, belief system, is sprinkled throughout my adult life.
It is so deeply entrenched that I am holding onto it with every last bit of my ego. If I do not have this belief, I really have nothing. How painful/growing the experience will be is my ultimate deciding factor in any decision…the two completely intertwined in my mind so closely that I cannot see/hear the difference.
Although I can honestly say it is the scariest thing to admit, I am freaking out right now that I may very well have just figured out how to bestow freedom upon myself. That is to allow myself to live in a higher state of consciousness. Or for those folks of you out there who prefer more down to earth language: I think I might have just found my key to happiness. And I’m certain you will find the same.
Wishing you love,