April 30, 2013 § 2 Comments
A lot has happened since I graduated from college. Much has happened since I was a shy twenty-two, searching for the answer to Who Am I? and running into nothing. When I searched, I found a new spark within myself, a love of something greater than me. I found and remembered that I love/d God. Oh yes, that’s it. Running inescapably into the arms of something greater than myself. It felt like the mother/father that I had never felt. An unconditional, total acceptance.
This feeling left me with something greater than being alone. Alone is what I felt most of my life. Alone in my feelings. Alone with my pain, anger, sorrow, sadness. Alone with my own duality. The person who I felt truly, deeply within me. And the person that I portrayed on the outside. I learned from the young age of three to keep these two separate, lest they–anyone beyond me–discover who I am and tell me otherwise.
I remember trying to bring out that true self, what I now call my Open Self, and know so well as my Soul. My soul is the immutable me. The me that is was and always will be eternal. It is my very essence. The outer reflection, my mind, body, and spirit are reflections of my inner self. On a micro scale, my soul is the true inner self, while the outer is my thoughts, my movement, and how I reflect energy. I say, “How I reflect energy” because I am not energy, I am consciousness. Consciousness is the soul.
When life is flowing from a place that is disconnected from the soul, it is chaotic. It is as if one is completely asleep.
When you are asleep, I cannot see or hear you. It’s as if I am talking to a pile of Old Energy and there is no truth in your eyes. This is not a judgment, I really feel as if I am seeing and hearing reactions to conditioned, habitual living and not life in this very moment.
When you are asleep, you are reacting to life the way in which you believe you “should” or “should not” react, not from an outpouring of the soul.
I know this because I’ve done it. I’ve done it because I didn’t know any better. It was five years ago when I said I don’t want to asleep any more. I want to wake up. I want to wake up and be alive. It was five years ago that I realized that I was truly, deeply sleeping. That the light that I had within me was truly darkness. And for me that meant that I was living in my shadow self, the created self, and not from my soul. Not from my light. And that scared me.
It was at that point that I wrestled. I wrestled with who I was, where I was going, what I was doing. I wrestled with everyone around me, everything around me. I wrestled with my stupid decisions. With the way that the world was doing things. I wrestled in my marriage. I wrestled when I had kids.
I could not for the life of me see what was before me. I just felt like total, utter darkness.
I denounced my God. I no longer had any desire to be spiritual or religious. I no longer wanted to be the old me. I denounced my talents, my ability to song write and sing and love.
I hated myself. I hated other people. I hated everything and everyone. I saw darkness all around me. I moved fourteen times. I lived month to month. I struggled with everything within me if anyone has ever struggled.
I couldn’t do it any more. It’s just meaninglessness. The only thing that got me to put one foot in front of the other was to just live. Some days that wasn’t enough and I must’ve threatened for death hundreds and hundreds of times.
“I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t really want to die, but I don’t want to live.”
Yes, I said this time and time again, curled up in a ball on my bed or on the floor. In front of my husband mostly, sometimes in front of my kids.
Honestly, it was a few times getting high and the very last bit of my desire for truth that has brought me to this place.
I don’t really know exactly where this place is, but I do know that I am living from my soul. I am living from the deepest place of myself, light and darkness and all.
I get crazy revelations. Sometimes I see how the world is just a vast endlessness, with galaxies within me and outside of me and all around me and I feel infinitesimally small. This might have bother me immensely, to realize both the grandness of myself and the minuscule. Now it does not. Now I just embrace it.
This single thread throughout my life is this deep knowing and understanding of living from a soul level. I’ve read a lot of other people and had a lot of revelation and it’s most commonly called New Energy.
But it’s not new.
It’s old. It’s ancient. It’s the first Energy that created what we call Earth and everything around it (not that it’s the center, or anything). It’s what came out from God.
The only way I can move on and chalk up my life and more specifically, the last five years, is to acknowledge it as part of a process into a Divine energy. In an online course that I’m taking with Andrew Harvey, he calls it–as do other mystics–the dark night of the soul. It’s the second step of the four-part process. Awakening, Dark Night, Illumination, and Birthing.
The reason I can tell you all of this from my deep soul place is because I’m in the birthing process. I honestly can’t tell you exactly what that means, but I do know more and more of my true self is coming to the surface and I am finally leading my life from this space rather than my conditioned existence, the created self that I was living in only a few months ago.
I’m only an expert in one thing because I know beyond knowing what that soul place, what New Energy feels like. I’m beginning to accept that about myself.
I grow and change every single day. I’m constantly remembering feelings within myself that were lingering from times once past and clearing those feelings out, along with their energy.
Today my dreams brought up the feeling of being 18. Of being cheated on both by the guy who date raped me (my first sex experience) and by my dad who definitely cheated on my mom and finally announced he’d asked for a divorce (nine days after my 18th birthday). Cheated. Totally running into the feeling of being cheated on–going into the darkness rather than acting like everything is okay–so that I can live just a little more in the Now.
Don’t stop commenting. I know some of you have stopped commenting because I stopped talking about organizing your closet, or only stocking your fridge with a few days worth of food, or loving your neighbor or what not. I’m sure I got a little freaky on you and perhaps my writing voice changed a bit.
I’ve changed. I’ve changed immensely. Yet I’m still so very interested in your thoughts. Your changes.
You can count this as Week 5 of Rebel Evolve: Katarsis or whatever. But I don’t know. I don’t care about Online Courses or whatever. I just care about you and me. I care about you being the you that you want to be.
And forgive me if I write with an air of knowingness. Today is the day that I make a conscious effort to live as raw as possible in the Now. Not in what I was. Not in what I will be future. Just in the right Now.
April 11, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Again, I say love lest you be loved.
April 7, 2013 § Leave a Comment
What if you could achieve love and happiness just by shifting your perspective? What if your dream life was right in front of you and you didn’t even know it? What if you could live the life you wanted–or thought you wanted–just by following a few simple guidelines that you found within yourself?
Sounds pretty awesome, right? I’m not talking about religion. I’m not even talking about spirituality the way you’ve probably been taught to view it. I’m talking about truth.
We all have truth within us. A way to override the system that defines us, creates who we are. If your brain was a computer (thank god it’s not), truth would be software that can override your old software commonly known as the subconscious. By updating it with some new snazzy iOS on a continual basis, you effect your very hardware that is you by default: Your beliefs, thought patterns, emotions/vital energy, and physical being. This leads to a life that is filled with more love and happiness.
Now I’m not advocating for any one thing in particular, except for maybe love, but even then you can only do what you are comfortable with. You can only live in your flow today, in the present. So what choices can you make today that will lead to a tomorrow filled with more love and happiness?
Just do one thing: Eat more veggies.
I know it sounds stupid to some, but just think: what you put into your mouth effects your entire being! So if you could simply replace some of your animal based products with plant based one’s, such as kale, which has a hefty amount of vitamin K, C, A, B’s, fiber, folate, iron, potassium, and so on in 36 calories as compared to chicken’s tryptophan, B6 and B3, selenium, protein, chlorine, and phosphorous for 187 calories in 4 ounces.
Kale is also love and happiness going into your tummy, while I cannot consciously say the same for chicken. I only want to put love and happiness into my body, that is why my life has brought me to a place of veganism. I chose it.
If you would like love and happiness beyond what my blog offers, please feel free to email me at jenny lvoe at gmail dot com.
April 5, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Happy Birthday to me.
I’m trying to tread lightly. But who am I kidding? I stink at treading lightly. It is just not my style. Nor is the exclusion of others. Which is what this post is all about. Shoot dang. This is what this whole blog is about. Unity.
So here I am over the past month going: How can I explain truth without cutting others out? My Grand Father Sir (GFS) expressed this in his own way and it took me a few weeks to see and hear it. And that’s okay. I’m glad I learned before my writing became: consciousness, consciousness, consciousness, consciousness, consciousness. And everyone got bored or I created those who liked my blog and those who believe I fell off my rocker.
Here’s the down and dirty: I never was on my rocker.
The great follow up is that if there never was a rocker and I have nothing to fall off then there really isn’t any point for fretting. You know who you are, you fret about me. You become concerned with my growth. What I call Rebel Evolve (see the Rebel link for a full on definition so we can be on the same page!!).
What am I talking about here? I’m talkin’ bout tossing out the stuff inside of me that is not aligned with truth. That which is no longer working and replacing it and aligning it with truth. I think what frightens many–by “frighten” I mean to strike with fear or to become fearful–is that the evolving occurs at a faster rate than the one responding from a fear-based place. My husband, bless his heart (especially now that I understand this about him), has reacted to me this way until we had this aha moment* together. Now that he sees me in a clearer, more truthful light he sees the choice of reacting with love or with fear. That’s the place we all want to come to, including myself.
How often do we react from our own fears and stay in the same place out of FEAR rather than love? How often? Is it possible that any time we have a negative reaction to someone else we are over-identifying with that we have fear about ourselves?
And I’ll say it again: when we have a negative reaction to another–a reaction other than LOVE–we are over-identifying with their experience, situation, etc. and it is coming from our fear-based self! So what can you do about it?
• Eat healthy, drink lots of water, keep caffeine intake before two pm, be aware of toxins around you, sleep 7-8 hours, have one or two close friends, be connected to community (a church, a moms group, a yoga studio, group therapy, a walking club, etc. Connect!)…get your basic needs met.
• Take a deep breath (or use your relaxation techniques).
• Listen and let it flow over you…you do not have to fix it!
• Ask them what they want from you: feedback (your experience of them), advice from your perspective, and so on. Key: Just love them!
• Translate it into your language.
Above all else, let go. Love. See and hear from your heart, not your ego. This is not survival, this is living. We all come with baggage, perhaps more than many of us are willing to acknowledge–past lives, truth we have buried, lineage issues, etc. Starting at love will only lead us to love. There really is no harm, no foul in taking this stand point. I’m not really offering anything truly radical. This has been occurring since the beginning. This has been the way of life in the entire Universe and beyond.
Move past language. Love today.
*Aha! Moments…I didn’t get this until I translated it into my language of “revelation” and more recently “quantum leap” or “brain jumping”…what it really encapsulates is a transformation, a change, towards (more) love, happiness, truth. Yeah?
March 25, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Rebel Evolve: Katarsis is a seven-week free Online Course. Join me and others as we explore seven weeks of fostering a healthy lifestyle. Beginning tomorrow, we will start by rebel evolving and focusing on Katarsis. By joining me in committing to this practice you are saying “yes” to a lifestyle shift to be in Truth.
Katarsism is the trinity clarification, or “clearing out”, of toxins out of the self and ego to reside in consciousness. In short, cleansing the trinity–body/mind/spirit–to reside in the strength of the soul, which is Truth.
This occurs in 5 purifying steps:
1. Body: Healing of the physical; physical injuries, genetic deficiencies, and dis-ease. See Jesus’ healing of people (blind, deaf, leprosy, dead). Daily practice: Yoga, balancing movement and repose.
2. Strength (Vital Energy): Cleansing of the energy; detoxification of toxins from what you have consumed or breathed/soaked in. Animal products are no longer consumed. This clears out negative vital influence (aka otherness from nature, animals, and other humans). Also, see Jesus casting out demons. Daily practice: Cleanses, Plant-based diet.
3. Mind: The correcting of the mind. This clears out negative mental otherness (aka otherness from other humans, past funk). Daily practice: Prayer, practicing consciousness.
4. Spirit: Katarsis is recognition of the ability to reside in consciousness, or Truth/God/Love. It is acceptance of the authentic self, or soul, as co-creator of your life. Daily practice: meditation, practicing collective consciousness.
5. Soul: Katarsis is bringing yourself to the present moment and residing in the true self, residing in Love.
We will begin this week with committing our day to yoga by simply doing one pose in the morning and one at night. More on that tomorrow. Please join me as we connect to Truth living within us and everyone and everything around us.
The seven weeks are set up to add new habits beginning at the foundation seat of who we are as individuals and collectively to foster, you guessed it, Unity. Together we will move towards Liberated Unity, living a life that incorporates Truth from the trinity within us.
I will be posting every Tuesday for guidance, healing, and encouragement throughout the next seven weeks. Specifically a new aspect of Katarsis will be explored. If you would like one-on-one email support and consulting, please donate any amount by clicking the “Donate Now” button and I will respond with a Welcome Letter within 24 to 48-hours. And please feel free to email me with any questions or comments.
Looking forward to rebel evolving with you.
March 24, 2013 § Leave a Comment
I see the world in three main states of consciousness, along with the usual subconscious and unconscious states–as I still have many conditioned (generational) patterns that I am attempting to break. The first state is simply consciousness, my true Self. I am aware of and in tune with not only myself but everyone and everything around me. That is, all parts of everyone and everything are as open as they can be, so to speak. I can see and hear as clearly as possible in the truth that I am in.
The second state that I am aware of is what I call 4D because while we live in a 3D world (where 4D maths have been hypothesized and proven), 4D is like seeing in vivid detail. This is one of two non-ordinary states of consciousness that I fall into from time to time. When I’ve had too much espresso caffeine, I get a false sense of it. When I least expect it, like when I am sick, I become connected to this state. It is seeing in the most present of places within my being, a place where I slow down or speed up time as I choose. A place where I am disconnected from my conditioned and karmic past. I am here and now.
Lastly, my third state of consciousness is what I only know to call Gaia. It’s in this state that I receive direct transmission more visually and symbolically, more felt than spoken from a collective consciousness. I know this to be true because almost everything I have received in this state can be traced to a credible source. A source that has been their before or it has been proven by “experts” third-dimensionally. That which cannot be I know to be my purpose, my duty to research and uncover.
Whenever I become sick, 99.9% of the time it is because of a series of not-listening. I do not listen to my strength, my gut. Even though I know I should. I ignore it. I live in an unconscious, conditioned pattern semi-knowingly I’m falling into it when it happens. My gut will begin to twist and ache, my immune system–my heart–will crumble.
Here’s the key, here’s the code: the gut or naval chakra, as it is called, is the soaker upper and pusher outer of otherness. It takes in other crap and cleans it out of your system, literally. The heart, your immunity, is your connection to true self. If you intentionally cover up the heart (by telling yourself you’re not okay, by having to put on an act, etc), your immune system will not be very strong.
In western medicine we have replaced non-ordinary states of consciousness with what we have named “vitamins”. Plant-based foods, herbology, natural sources should very well be enough for healing of any sickness. We have created vitamin supplements in replace of bliss, joy, peace, calm, and so on.
Rather than returning to a state of bliss by understanding what the self is attempting to say in the midst of the sickness (bacterial, viral, both otherness from humans or nature herself) through surrendering to a non-ordinary state of consciousness, we supply our being with said vitamins. Is this sometimes necessary? Absolutely. I believe it is sometimes necessary to bring truth and, therefore, Love to renew the system. However, this does not need come from a supplement. Again, plant-based foods are all that is necessary.
Listen to your true self. Go back to foods.
An extra little tip:
Fibromyalgia is the suppression and numbing of vital energy at all possible meridians. Rather than feeling the vital energy flow as a current coming and going, one attempts to control it like a damn stopping the waves of the ocean. When you do this, the resultant is felt as pain or, in this case, fiber muscle fatigue. The best self-healing remedy anyone can do is to request peace and love for the self and the world.
March 18, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Sometimes I can’t help but see the world for what it really is: a huge vibration of Love. That’s really all it is. I convolute my mind with ideas of being something, of doing something, rather than just allowing myself to simply be Love. And allowing that to be enough. I make my own plans for graduate school and moving and travels and not making any more babies and what I’m going to do tomorrow.
Yet that’s not reality.
There is nothing else but love.
I grovel with my past trying to work out as much of my unconsciousness that’s stuck in my Inner Child. My Shadow and definitely my overly-aggressive Anima, as Jung would put it. I attempt to uncover what’s holding me back from really living, to nurture my true self from whence I was first conceived. All of these things distract me until I remember,
There is nothing else but love.
I look at our living situation. My lack of focus on the future. Hopelessness floods me because I am unsure of what tomorrow may bring. Unsure of my marriage. Unsure of my own sanity. I fear that maybe everything will fall apart and I begin to categorize life for my own shame-based pleasure. Alas, I recall my revelation that there is no paradox. All is good. Besides,
There is nothing else but love.
I become irritated with my cellphone. Bombarded with pressure to confirm future plans. Aggravated with Audrey crying for more food. Flooded with past emotions as the day comes to an end. I step back in my mind and speak words of peace. Slowly, still, and I meditate.
There is nothing else but love.
I remember how I desired long ago to be a singer, a dancer, and a talk show host. “What am I doing with my life?” I can’t understand the reasoning for it all! My punitive so-called wisdom is decaying in the trenches of my mind. Someone stop me before I fall to pieces. I clap a few times, dance around, laugh. Ah, that’s better.
Love. There really is nothing else.
February 18, 2013 § 2 Comments
Nothing in this world can define me. By their very definition, I am connected to this language by verbiage to describe myself. Yet I feel altogether disconnected from it.
Mother, daughter, sister, friend, lover, wife. And the hundreds of other descriptors that have filtered through my life, through my belief system.
I am even tempted to remove “Unity Consultant” from my blog and am wishing it was not even on my business cards.
In this moment, I just am. I am. I am simply me. My birth name does not even define me. Is this what it feels like to be a baby? To be a newborn sitting in your mothers arms? Perhaps even a young one still in utero?
You see, inside of me, I had a belief that I must be externally defined. That something outside of me–in this case, language and acts of doing–must define me and fill the space inside my mind. That those doing’s would lead me on some obscure journey towards something. This “something” I have no idea what it may be. I’ve never seen it, never heard it.
Alas, that’s not true. I’ve seen glimpses. I’ve had moments of allowing myself to embrace this “I am”-ness and just reside in it, however uncomfortable. As soon as it skips away, I beat myself up, tear myself down, remind myself of my false beliefs, et cetera et cetera et cetera. I fall into the conditioned ego self again.
I have seen it. I have heard it. I know this feeling, this thought pattern, this physical calmness, this connection. Peace, peace, peace, peace. Love, love, love, love.
Do you know what I did today while fighting against this process with all of my being (my ego would not have it!!)? I realized that I equate all transformative growth to: Pain. I could connect every belief in my entire being back to pain. Every bit of doing, for that matter as well.
“Is it painful? Good. I’ll grow. I love growth,” I’d say to myself.
This concept, belief system, is sprinkled throughout my adult life.
It is so deeply entrenched that I am holding onto it with every last bit of my ego. If I do not have this belief, I really have nothing. How painful/growing the experience will be is my ultimate deciding factor in any decision…the two completely intertwined in my mind so closely that I cannot see/hear the difference.
Although I can honestly say it is the scariest thing to admit, I am freaking out right now that I may very well have just figured out how to bestow freedom upon myself. That is to allow myself to live in a higher state of consciousness. Or for those folks of you out there who prefer more down to earth language: I think I might have just found my key to happiness. And I’m certain you will find the same.
Wishing you love,
January 14, 2013 § Leave a Comment
Growing up in a Christian family, I was raised around the concept of sin. My behaviors were categorized as either holy or evil, good or bad. The world was a battleground of angels and demons. Black and white. Right and wrong. Sick and well. Catholics and Christians. Democrats and Republicans. Homeschoolers and public schoolers. Church-goers and non-church-goers. Hanukah and Christmas. Rich and poor. Eastern ways and western civilization.
As you will note after the first few, my head was filled with dichotomies. For every one thing, there had to be its opposite, I concluded. You have to be one thing and no others. You cannot mix. There is no integration of any part of life, truth, spirituality, growth, hope, character, etc. This is what my shame-based, fear-based upbringing had me to believe whether it was verbalized or not.
And late one evening after working this dichotomized life commandment out a month or so earlier, I gained revelatory insight in the concept that we call “generational sin.”
Generational is simply carried, or handed down. Parents pass down both their good and their bad qualities. Why? Because they are one. There is purpose behind both. It is evolutionary in reasoning. The Torah clearly states that generational “sin” is passed 7 generations until it is broken. This clearly implies that the “sin” cycle is approximately a hundred years, more or less. This affirms that evolution evolves more quickly every hundred years or so.
Sin in this context is conditioning, or other-than-self ego nonchoices by the individual. Rather than making a conscious choice, the person collapses on the same pattern of no thinking (reacting, not responding) instead of the Open Self or Psychic Being/Conscious response.
A theory of conditioning vs. evolving goes like this: There are two children, one boy and one girl. The boy is born first and the girl is born second. The boy is raised to believe that he cannot think, feel, or act like he wants to, he must behave in the “right” way. That is, that his true self (the open self at birth) is wrong. The daughter is born and is treated with a little more leniency. She grows up to believe there might be a “right” way, but she still doesn’t care, etc.
As he grows up, he views the world as unchanging. Evolution is only on the surface, not deep within. It’s too hard for him to view life differently than how he has been conditioned to believe. The daughter however loves change. Transcendent changes make sense, fundamental creative flows freely, life is good after much transformative inner work. This is not a new story. These are not new lines. In fact, it’s the same old story that passes down sin and truth generation after generation.
Because their mom is the second born evolver. And their dad is a first born nonchanger. Their mom’s mom is a second born evolver and her dad is a no changer. Their dads mom is a second born changer and his dad is a first born nonchanger. This extends back for even generations until evolution occurs. The daughter above has two children. Prior to having children, she works through her painful past experiences and gains transformational insight.
As she raises her children, she allows both of them to think their own thoughts, feel their own feelings, and express themselves how they see fit. She does not attempt to control their “doing” or chosen discipline in life. She even goes so far as to help support their soul, spirit, and psychic being by raising them in a neutral truth conscious environment.
That is how we will stop generational sin, also known as generational conditioning. This is the seventh generation. Let’s give the eighth a new beginning, as 8 promises in numerology. New life, new hope, new truth. In Love. Let it continue for seven generations thereafter to begin anew. Let us create Generational Life.
May 28, 2012 § 2 Comments
I promise this has a very happy ending.
It’s so strange how you can begin to feel extremely overwhelmed all of the sudden and not know where the flood of feelings came from. Depression–unknown needs and/or needs that aren’t getting met–hits the best of us like a big slap in the face every once and awhile, some more than others.
Recently, Trever has been getting more work (yay!) and I’ve been feeling distant. As he adds on more hours, I spend more time at home with the kids. After the Great Mold Fiasco, he actually worked 22 days in a row. I thought I was going to fall to pieces.
Being with my cuties for ten, twelve, fourteen hour days can wear on one’s soul, regardless of how utterly adorable they are minute by minute. Even the best parenting class can’t help you get a break. Especially when the event of peeing isn’t private.
This past week, Trever stepped into another marathon-get-er-done sprint to finish a job. And I fell into an existential looping depression. I could’t get myself to shut up no matter how much I tried. I drank water, ate fruits and veggies, made Indian dal, drank coconut water, kombucha, coffee, tea, snuggled with the kids, took a break from blogging, sang made-up songs, went to the park, breastfed my buddy (obviously), drew pictures, read every book we own, looked at photos, played catch (kind of, we’re working in it), and had a game of hide-and-go seek.
Nothing. Was. Working.
I could still hear my looping thoughts and I was still getting angry with Audrey even though I was trying so hard to remain happy. Yet there I was: parenting with unmet needs looming in my frontal lobe. I did the old call the mom thing (my mom, the MFT) and she said get a break.
I had a break. Got my nails did. Purchased a new bra. Bought a birthday present. Had a nice breather. Trever took the next day off and I couldn’t feel more elated. Pressing in the back of my mind at the third birthday party was the fact that he was going to work the next day.
I missed him already. (I told you this would have a happy ending. I’m getting there.)
After getting the kids into bed (finally) and watching a couple episodes of Friends, season 4, we rallied in the bathroom to brush our teeth. Then it came out.
“I’m so scared of being depressed tomorrow.”
“Why? What do you need?”
There you have it. He knew there was something I needed and I couldn’t have pin-pointed it that easily. We spent the next half an hour trying to understand one another. I finally worked out a few of the things I was hoping for him to get. And then I said it:
You’re my best friend.
That’s what it really comes down to. I simply want to spend more time with him and help him with the marketing and administration stuff for the company we’re starting (more on that later). I desire to share the work load and be able to enjoy our time together more, knowing full well that the bookkeeping is getting done and that we/he has work scheduled weeks in advance.
That’s what it really comes down to. Stepping back, he’s my best friend.
See, told ya.