Name That Need.
June 27, 2012 § Leave a Comment
AKA How to Name Your Needs in a Way that is Loving, Respectful, and Empathetic
In our own humanness, we have a tendency to express ourselves on a day to day basis that is violent, combative, and pushes others away.
There are so many ways to communicate in this life that it’s sometimes difficult to know what the best way is, if any. After being married to Mr. Trever O’Brien for over four years, I know that communication is extremely important and something we often try to work on. It’s definitely been the key to our “success.”
Looking back at my own personal mapping–that is, all of my life during childhood–I’ve been watching adults model communication styles that are power, manipulation, struggle, ego, control, and blame among others.
All and all, these communication styles fall under Violence.
They hurt the mind, body, soul, and spirit. That hurt causes an endless amount of issues as we grow up. Yep. We all have issues. That doesn’t mean we can’t heal those hurts by meeting our current needs.
That’s the glorious thing: Our needs can be communicated through Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in a way that is beneficial to meeting those needs.
We miss the mark with each other and step into violent communication when we don’t name our specific need. Without that specific goal in mind, without it being out on the table, we are destroying our relationships and connection with one another rather than building them up.
Let’s put it this way: We have to know somewhere deep down inside that using aggression by flipping someone off while driving will never get our needs met or cause us to feel any happier. And in the end, that’s the hope that each one of us desires.
To get our needs met.
We need to get back to the root of simply knowing the real need of our hearts and naming it. It’s as simple as that. Forget the “I feel” statements. You really just need the trash taken out. I need the trash taken out, would you mind ________________ . (Watching the kids while I do it, taking it out for me before you have a shower, helping me take it down because I have two bags now.)
Where do you start?
• Work through any underlying mind clutter.
• Get to the root of the anger and/or depression.
• Be clear about your own needs before expressing them in a violent manner.
• Make sure you’re regulated (here’s some great tips on self-regulating)
Now you’re ready to define and name your need. As simple as this task may seem, it makes a world of difference in your every day life. It’s a practice of mindfulness, of walking in light. Name that need. You’ll be the better person for it.
*This post was influenced by my recent findings in NVC (Nonviolent Communication), Echo Parenting, and my life experiences at the mo.
Focus on Five.
December 30, 2011 § 1 Comment
If you’ve got too much going on, constantly feel busy, or like life is passing you by…perhaps it is, but it doesn’t have to be that way. No one ever said you had to be “this” productive or get “that” much done. Granted, there definitely is a western mentality that behooves you to do as much as absolutely possible. Yet maybe there’s a better way to live.
A more relaxing, enjoyable, enticing, beautiful, zen way to live. A way that is healthier for your mind, spirit, emotions, and health. Or more so, you as a whole. And it’s not as hard as you may think.
By following a simple rule, you’ll slim down your load of obligations by properly prioritizing what’s really important to you. Sound impossible? It doesn’t have to be. It does, however, cause you to really figure out what your life is about. Rather than filling it with this, that, and the other thing, how about slimming it down to 5?
Focus on 5 can be cross-applied to every aspect of your life. That’s what I love about the simplicity of it. You can have five work goals, five relationship goals, five spiritual, physical, mental, or chores-for-the-day goals. Whatever you want to call um, you can just make it five.
No one ever said you had to do more than that. No one even said you had to do five. But let’s just fantasize what those five would be if you could just do that.
In my life personally, I have five focuses at a time and I don’t add more to my plate unless something is taken away. At the moment, those 5 are: Family, Relationships, JennyLvoe.com, Creative Consulting, and Prepping for Baby. When Baby arrives, I’ll replace the focus on something else, while Baby will then fall into the “Family” category. Maybe go back to learning about website development, learn a language, or something else entirely!
The other area that I consistently use this philosophy in is in my daily chore life. I only allow myself to write down five to-do’s. I’ve found that I’ve never had to do more than five a day as long as I complete all five that are on the list.
I also make sure things don’t get on the list that don’t need to be. For instance, when someone emails/calls/texts me, I reply. When I go to the store to get something and bring it home, I organize it and put it away immediately. I pick up things, dust, vacuum, sweep, etc. as messes are made and needed cleaning, rather than letting it pile up and having to add it to my list of five. This technique works about 90% of the time. When it doesn’t work, I’m being lazy or I’m sick. And pretty soon it’ll be because I’m trying to figure out how to raise two people, instead of just one. Ha!
And of course, this works in your professional life. You never want to spread yourself too thin by wearing too many hats. You benefit others the most by knowing what you love and accomplishing what your strengths are. Whether you’re an entrepreneur or you work for someone else, it’s important to know what you’re good at and what others expect of you. Sticking to five main work obligations and five tasks a day will keep work from becoming too overwhelming.
If you’re feeling like you can relate to any of the above, perhaps it’s time for a good purging. Our minds can become too cluttered with stuff and our material stuff can overburden our souls. Start with your mind clutter and write down what’s taking up too much space. Let it go and only stick to five tasks a day. Then move on to your possessions; declutter and reorganize. These steps will help you feel like a new person. Focus on five. You can do this! It’s a New Year and there’s always space for a new, slimmer you!
Happy New Year!
Xx
Jenn
Community Discussion: When you day dream about just “five”, how does it make you feel? Are you up for the challenge? What would your five be?
Mind Clutter.
September 9, 2011 § Leave a Comment
Yesterday was one of those days that I’d just as soon like to forget. It wasn’t all bad. Just the part that was awful will linger in my memory for much too long. If I could put it all behind me, I would. I’m trying to. A sleep has helped. Yet I’m not 100% quite.
Before I got together with Trever I was very little sentimental. From ages seventeen to twenty-three, I had a total of 279 photos on my computer. The only reason I had any from my three-month stint in Cairo is because a snap happy cohort gave me a disk at the trips end. I just didn’t care to save many memories from my college years. It was a difficult time and I went in and out of a lot of stupid relationships that I don’t care to reminisce upon to this day. I disliked carrying a camera around with me and seldom downloaded digital photos or had prints made.
In the summer of 2007, I got together with Trev and the digitized memories began. We took photos, got a little video camera, and even printed off emails to save for the future just in case. I can’t even tell you how many I now have on our family computer. But I do know it’s more than three-hundred.
On the said Thursday, I lost tons of videos and photographs of my Audrey and Trever as well as events with family and friends. You see, while Audrey and I were at the library, my iPhone 4 decided to shut off as I was about to reply to a text to her papa. It was about 1:00 o’clock in the afternoon and I was getting hungry. I was trying desperately not to panic even though my tummy was rumbling. “I’ll just plug it in and it’ll be okay.”
After winding down our library fun, checking out books, and walking home, I made us lunch and tried plugging my phone in. Fifteen minutes and no avail. So I plugged it into my computer. It decided my phone did not even exist. The only other option I could think of was to take it to Apple. So I walked back the mile to the mall in the 90 something degree heat, hoping they could help and would have an appointment fairly soon.
I was seen by a genius fairly soon, but he and two others were completely stumped.
“Sorry, it looks like your phone is dead. Must be the battery or something. Your only option is to buy a new one.”
“I have no money for a new one. I’ll need to call my husband and think about it.”
In those minutes that I contemplated my life with an iPhone, I considered my real love of all the stupid apps, the social networking, and all the other distractions and benefits that come with it. I started imagining what I had on my phone–trying not to cry about what my newly sentimental-self held dearly–and how stupid such a device really was.
“Why do I need all these things? It’s so impractical. I don’t even like tweeting. Or having a gazillion accounts every where. I want to simplify. My phone is the opposite of that.”
Right then and there in the Apple store, I was having an existential meltdown.
After much thought and a quick phone call, I decided to take the now steeply discounted deal (Cliff the Genius figured out I was serious). My phone is my one luxury; I can take memories with it, blog, find my way places, search the Internet, play music for Audrey, and so much more. And since I don’t have cable or Internet at home, it’s worth it.
What did I learn about myself though? Sometimes I can even clutter my own mind with too much stuff. Social networking is that for me in a lot of ways. I have a Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, StumbleUpon, Google+, Myspace, and more. And I don’t even use them. I need to continue to evaluate this. Maybe a sleep or two more. But I’m leaning towards making my life even more zen by a deletion or break from them.
This goes along with what we were discussing earlier this week on Monday and Wednesday. It’s a clearing of the mind clutter. And it can be just as, if not more, rejuvenating than decluttering the material stuff. Mental clutter can take up so much space that you can’t even see the junk around you.
So how can you start clearing it out? Ask yourself:
• What makes my stomach twist?
• What triggers me or sets me on edge?
• What do I keep avoiding?
• What keeps me up at night?
• What bothers me even though those around me normalize it?
• What causes me to not think clearly?
Start there and I can guarantee you’ll have a list. A counselor once told me a good rule of thumb is to keep your “work on” list to 20 things. It can become too overwhelming otherwise.
We can do this together. What’s on your mind clutter list?
