April 30, 2013 § 2 Comments
A lot has happened since I graduated from college. Much has happened since I was a shy twenty-two, searching for the answer to Who Am I? and running into nothing. When I searched, I found a new spark within myself, a love of something greater than me. I found and remembered that I love/d God. Oh yes, that’s it. Running inescapably into the arms of something greater than myself. It felt like the mother/father that I had never felt. An unconditional, total acceptance.
This feeling left me with something greater than being alone. Alone is what I felt most of my life. Alone in my feelings. Alone with my pain, anger, sorrow, sadness. Alone with my own duality. The person who I felt truly, deeply within me. And the person that I portrayed on the outside. I learned from the young age of three to keep these two separate, lest they–anyone beyond me–discover who I am and tell me otherwise.
I remember trying to bring out that true self, what I now call my Open Self, and know so well as my Soul. My soul is the immutable me. The me that is was and always will be eternal. It is my very essence. The outer reflection, my mind, body, and spirit are reflections of my inner self. On a micro scale, my soul is the true inner self, while the outer is my thoughts, my movement, and how I reflect energy. I say, “How I reflect energy” because I am not energy, I am consciousness. Consciousness is the soul.
When life is flowing from a place that is disconnected from the soul, it is chaotic. It is as if one is completely asleep.
When you are asleep, I cannot see or hear you. It’s as if I am talking to a pile of Old Energy and there is no truth in your eyes. This is not a judgment, I really feel as if I am seeing and hearing reactions to conditioned, habitual living and not life in this very moment.
When you are asleep, you are reacting to life the way in which you believe you “should” or “should not” react, not from an outpouring of the soul.
I know this because I’ve done it. I’ve done it because I didn’t know any better. It was five years ago when I said I don’t want to asleep any more. I want to wake up. I want to wake up and be alive. It was five years ago that I realized that I was truly, deeply sleeping. That the light that I had within me was truly darkness. And for me that meant that I was living in my shadow self, the created self, and not from my soul. Not from my light. And that scared me.
It was at that point that I wrestled. I wrestled with who I was, where I was going, what I was doing. I wrestled with everyone around me, everything around me. I wrestled with my stupid decisions. With the way that the world was doing things. I wrestled in my marriage. I wrestled when I had kids.
I could not for the life of me see what was before me. I just felt like total, utter darkness.
I denounced my God. I no longer had any desire to be spiritual or religious. I no longer wanted to be the old me. I denounced my talents, my ability to song write and sing and love.
I hated myself. I hated other people. I hated everything and everyone. I saw darkness all around me. I moved fourteen times. I lived month to month. I struggled with everything within me if anyone has ever struggled.
I couldn’t do it any more. It’s just meaninglessness. The only thing that got me to put one foot in front of the other was to just live. Some days that wasn’t enough and I must’ve threatened for death hundreds and hundreds of times.
“I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t really want to die, but I don’t want to live.”
Yes, I said this time and time again, curled up in a ball on my bed or on the floor. In front of my husband mostly, sometimes in front of my kids.
Honestly, it was a few times getting high and the very last bit of my desire for truth that has brought me to this place.
I don’t really know exactly where this place is, but I do know that I am living from my soul. I am living from the deepest place of myself, light and darkness and all.
I get crazy revelations. Sometimes I see how the world is just a vast endlessness, with galaxies within me and outside of me and all around me and I feel infinitesimally small. This might have bother me immensely, to realize both the grandness of myself and the minuscule. Now it does not. Now I just embrace it.
This single thread throughout my life is this deep knowing and understanding of living from a soul level. I’ve read a lot of other people and had a lot of revelation and it’s most commonly called New Energy.
But it’s not new.
It’s old. It’s ancient. It’s the first Energy that created what we call Earth and everything around it (not that it’s the center, or anything). It’s what came out from God.
The only way I can move on and chalk up my life and more specifically, the last five years, is to acknowledge it as part of a process into a Divine energy. In an online course that I’m taking with Andrew Harvey, he calls it–as do other mystics–the dark night of the soul. It’s the second step of the four-part process. Awakening, Dark Night, Illumination, and Birthing.
The reason I can tell you all of this from my deep soul place is because I’m in the birthing process. I honestly can’t tell you exactly what that means, but I do know more and more of my true self is coming to the surface and I am finally leading my life from this space rather than my conditioned existence, the created self that I was living in only a few months ago.
I’m only an expert in one thing because I know beyond knowing what that soul place, what New Energy feels like. I’m beginning to accept that about myself.
I grow and change every single day. I’m constantly remembering feelings within myself that were lingering from times once past and clearing those feelings out, along with their energy.
Today my dreams brought up the feeling of being 18. Of being cheated on both by the guy who date raped me (my first sex experience) and by my dad who definitely cheated on my mom and finally announced he’d asked for a divorce (nine days after my 18th birthday). Cheated. Totally running into the feeling of being cheated on–going into the darkness rather than acting like everything is okay–so that I can live just a little more in the Now.
Don’t stop commenting. I know some of you have stopped commenting because I stopped talking about organizing your closet, or only stocking your fridge with a few days worth of food, or loving your neighbor or what not. I’m sure I got a little freaky on you and perhaps my writing voice changed a bit.
I’ve changed. I’ve changed immensely. Yet I’m still so very interested in your thoughts. Your changes.
You can count this as Week 5 of Rebel Evolve: Katarsis or whatever. But I don’t know. I don’t care about Online Courses or whatever. I just care about you and me. I care about you being the you that you want to be.
And forgive me if I write with an air of knowingness. Today is the day that I make a conscious effort to live as raw as possible in the Now. Not in what I was. Not in what I will be future. Just in the right Now.
December 16, 2011 § Leave a Comment
I’m gonna be quite frank with you and let you in on a little secret. During this past year of diet/food changing habits, I’ve never really thought about why the food that I was putting into my body was so much better for me than what I was doing before. At the very strong chance of sounding dumb, I never thought it was so simple:
Food vs. food product.
Why hadn’t I thought of this before? It really comes down to how many food items I’m putting into my body daily, weekly, monthly that come, not only in a package, but with an ingredients list. Versus those that don’t.
When I became conscious of this fact a few weeks ago, my buying habits changed once again. Instead of buying veggie broth or pesto in a jar or hummus ready made, I began rethinking what I was buying and asked myself,
• How easy would it be to take this from a food product to a food?
• Would it be cost effective?
• Can I make it time-efficiently?
• Is there an alternative that is a food or foods rather than this food product?
• If none of the above, do I really need it?
When I started becoming more aware of the ingredients list, I made different choices of what I purchased and put inside of me. Not only did I begin to buy fewer food products when I asked myself this series of questions, but I decided to cut out some foods altogether and make my own from scratch–like homemade crackers! Mmmm!
It’s not an easy choice to make. I must admit, there’s a mentality that goes along with food products that come in boxes, jars, cartons, and so on. They’re marketed as “easy”; as something that will make cooking a breeze. I’ve had to break that perspective and say to myself, “Homemade is not more difficult than a box. It’s a lifestyle shift. And a good one at that.”
I want the food that I put into my body to allow me to live longer. And happier. I want to feel confident that I’m giving my family foods that will give them health when they are feeling sick, depressed, tired, or stressed. And that’s what food is to me.
Try it this week. Take 3 food products on your list and find recipes to turn them into foods. Ask yourself the above questions and start feeling better about what you’re putting inside of your beautiful body. Food vs. food product: it’s as simple as that.